I love rollercoasters. At the amusement park. I don't prefer to have my life be like one. Here lately, I feel like I'm living on the tallest, fastest, loopiest, scariest rollercoaster I have ever been on. And I'm here to tell you, I don't like it one bit.
I don't really know if saying that my life is like a rollercoaster is accurate, it's more so that my emotions have been. Ups followed by downs, followed by feeling like everything was upside down.
I'm married to a man that completely rocks my world. He completes me. He is my whole world. I love him more than I have ever loved any human being in my entire life. That being said, years ago, I screwed up. I made a monumental mistake that led to years of suffering for both of us. We were married, we loved each other, but he couldn't return the being "in love" part of that. For years, I literally thought he hated me. Thought that he only stayed because of our kids, which, sad as it seems, was partly true. This past August, he decided to let go of the hurt and the anger that he has been harboring for 11 years, and see me as the girl he fell in love with. THAT was an up! I've been patiently waiting on that moment for over a decade, convinced it may never happen; but being SO completely in love with him that I didn't care that he may leave in a few years. I cherished all the time I got with him. Selfish? maybe, but I never claimed not to be. The point is that my patience paid off in the end. Our marriage is stronger than ever. He looks at me and I see love. I SEE it when he says "I love you". I feel it every time he so much as brushes my shoulder. Seeing him happy and not in pain has made my life worthwhile.
Then there's a down. My weight. UGH. I know noone is in love with their body, noone is perfect, and models have airbrushing done. I know this. But I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. For years, I have tried to make myself feel better with food and let myself go. If my husband couldn't love me, how could I love me...yeah...a little backwards. I have to love me first. And I'm trying. But there is ALOT of me to love. So I'm changing. I want to love me. I want to at least like me. And I want there to be a whole lot less of me to love. Because noone can do this but me. And I can't do it for anyone else, I have to do it for me.
That's right, I'm getting off of this roller coaster and trying another ride. Maybe I'll try the carousel.
