Tell me Im not alone in this...

 Wow. Its been a long time since I've blogged anything. But something has been nagging at me the past few days and well, writing to total strangers on the internet seems like a rational way to deal with it, right? No, just me? K, cool..

Relationships are hard, y'all. For years and years, our circle of friends was who J worked with and, well, we don't have that anymore. I have never really had a "circle" of friends since like the 8th grade. I've had friends, I'm not saying that...just not that core group of girlfriends that get together and have dinner or go shopping or go on girl's trips together. I was older than all the girls I went to college with, so while I had a "group" I kinda hung out with during class and in study groups, I was certainly not part of their social group. 

I spent the majority of my adult life raising kids, managing a home, struggling my hind quarters off to hold a marriage together (we are happier than ever, btw) and in all of that, I didn't have time to make and maintain new friendships...if you are a Mom, I'm pretty sure you can relate! I did put efforts into friendships that I had for years...you know, the girls you were so close with in high school...and I did that. And then I learned that some of those girls grew up to be women that were NOT my friends. And the friends that I made as adults, well, some of those weren't very good friends either. That left me with a huge lack of trust. So, here I am. The 40 something with children that have done what children do, grow up and leave, a husband that doesn't really have a social circle anymore, and noone else. 

Sure, sure...I have friends. One very close one and folks I chat with from time to time after I initiate it. And well, I'm lonely as hell! I went shopping today. Alone. I feel like I'm pretty much always alone. 

I try to be a friend. I reach out. I am friendly. I try so hard...but here I am. And let me tell you, it is really no fun. I walked down the aisles and watched as women giggled with each other and help up items and asked for opinions...and I was so freaking jealous. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of a group. I pray so hard for God to just send me a friend. 

Social media sure doesn't help. Seeing all the pics of girls night out or girls trips or baby showers or wedding showers or weddings or any other event that you totally get left out of hurts. It doesn't feel any better in your 40s than it did when I was a kid. And it leaves me feeling so damned inadequate. Like, what is it about me that is like a friend repellant?! I wish I had been blessed with a daughter. Boys are yours until they get married...then, they arent, and you can only hope that your dil will want you to be a part of her life and when she doesnt, then oh well...good knowing ya, kiddo! 

It is sad. I learned how to be my own friend, and I can tell you, Im fabulous! Im smart and witty and would do anything for my friends...so, why am I my own best friend? Why am I not enough for others? When do I get to have a group? 

Signed, 

Lonely

broken

yep. I'm broken.

J and I have been together an eternity. Literally over half of my 34 years on this planet have been spent with him. I love him dearly. I don't just love him, I need him. I'm not the same person when he is not with me. All that being said, I would do anything on this planet for him. Why do I feel like he wouldn't do the same? I know he loves me, but I also know he is a guy, and sometimes, lets face it, men aren't exactly good at picking up on clues as to things us gals need. Like time. I NEED his time. I don't mean sit down across the room from one another while the TV is on and we don't speak, I could get the same emotional feeling from that if a stranger was sitting in his chair. And I don't mean the kind of time where we are discussing kids, and bills, and what needs to be done around the house. I mean quality time. The kind of time where the rest of the world is blocked out and it is just us.

While I do realize that men and women are different, and thus our needs are different, I feel like compromise is necessary. For years and years, all I've heard is that men need sex to feel like they are cared about. Ok, I can deal with that. But sometimes, I need attention when my clothes are on and my feet aren't up by my ears!

Begging for his attention is something I shouldn't have to do. Asking to feel like I'm a priority in his life is ridiculous. I shouldn't have to question it. Of course, it can be said that we've been together so long that I should be comfortable in knowing that...BULLSHIT. Date me, listen to me, treat me like you did a long time ago when we were young and our relationship was just starting. It may be something as stupid as sitting outside in the swing watching the chickens peck around and holding hands while the rest of the world is blocked out. I'm good with that. Just something that lets me know that my company is needed just as much as I need his. UGH.

Valentine's Day can suck it!

I don't think there is a day I hate, loathe, despise more than Valentine's day. No, I'm not single. I am smart enough to logically know that the day is just made up by chocolate companies, jewelry stores, and Hallmark as a gimmick to get your money, but it still hurts my feelings each and every year to know that I take a few minutes of my time to think about each one of the penis bearers in my house and I never get so much as a 50 cent card from the damned Dollar General.

So here's how it went down. First, let me start by saying that I spent SEVEN...count them SEVEN hours in the kitchen on Sunday to get meals in the freezer so that noone would have to cook or worry about dinner for the next 2 months. My schedule makes it hard for me to come home and cook, so I worked ahead of time to do it. My plans for dinner last night? Lasagne. How many other people in the house knew my plans? All of them. Ok so...I didn't spend a lot. I bought both of the boys a little dollar box of chocolates that said something like "you are super" and "you rock" on the front and I bought J a similar box that said "I love you" and a card. Not a sweet, sappy, makes you wanna throw up when you read it card, but one that I knew would make him chuckle. I texted J first thing and said good morning and Happy Valentine's Day. I woke the boys up and gave them their little Valentines and left J's laying by the bed so he would see it when he got home. Then off to work I went.
I did get a text aknowledging the card and the chocolates with an I love you attached. I've told you all of that to lead into this....
I GOT NOTHING. NOTHING. Not a card, not a piece of candy, not even dinner in the oven when I got home....NOTHING. And I'm still good. I put my dinner in the oven, I'm working on homework, and piddling around the house, minding my own business, all is well. So I decide to take a bubble bath; a sort of "happy valentines day, pamper myself" sort of thing. While I'm soaking and trying to listen to my own thoughts, J comes in and says "Well, I'm sorry I didn't even get you a card. I didn't even think about it. Hell, I was even in Walmart last night". Yeah. THAT did it. I was pissed. No, not pissed. Heartbroken. So he goes on being loud, making noise, and I let him know to shush it. Hell, I had listened to a phone ring for 8 solid hours, I didn't want to hear him. I didn't want to see him. He had just let me know, I was a total afterthought. Fuck, I wasn't even an afterthought. I wasn't a thought at all. Did the fucking card and candy I left not fucking clue you in???
So now I put on my bitch face. I get out of the tub and go sit in the livingroom and ALL of the jackasses that reside in my house have the freaking audacity to ask when dinner will be ready?!?!?! Seriously??? grrrrrrr. So I let them all know that from now on, I would be thinking of all of them just as much as they think of me. Which, considering how my Valentine's Day went, isn't at all.
Now, anyone that knows me knows that is a lie. Next year, I'll still go buy candy that comes in heart shaped boxes and cards that make them giggle. Only next year, I'll be my OWN Valentine and treat myself to something sweet too. Maybe next year I won't cry. Maybe just maybe next year, someone will think of me.

I know why hamsters eat their young

Really. It's because their teenage hamsters say something stupid like, "I'll get emancipated next year, and then you can't tell me what to do".

Time for a reality check? Yeah, I think so.

My almost 16 year old thinks its cute to be disruptive and disrespectful in class. Ok, he's 15, I get it. However, when he gets in trouble, I text him to let him know, he WILL NOT be getting his license come March because he is obviously too immature to be trusted with a car. So I get the above response when I tell him that he can wait until he is 18.
Here is the kicker...this kid couldn't find his way out of a wet paper sack if his life depended on it. He is smart. Beyond smart, the kid is brilliant. But he has ZERO common sense. NONE.

So you want to be emancipated...fine. Go for it!
That is one less mouth I have to feed. One less person I have to pick up after. Oh, you think you are going to live here once you "divorce" me? Yeah, I don't think so.
Oh, wait, you don't have a j.o.b....or a car, or a license for that matter LOL
I'm sorry, all this has made me giggle. (maybe that's the cold medicine talking). I find it hilarious. This is a kid that has to be reminded to brush his teeth, but he is going to get emancipated and make it on his own?
Good luck.

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe I should just treat him like an adult here at my house. He can cook for himself, clean for himself, pay his portion of the bills all by himself...ugh.

KIDS. Maybe I should have listened to my mother.

Rollercoasters

I love rollercoasters. At the amusement park. I don't prefer to have my life be like one. Here lately, I feel like I'm living on the tallest, fastest, loopiest, scariest rollercoaster I have ever been on. And I'm here to tell you, I don't like it one bit.
I don't really know if saying that my life is like a rollercoaster is accurate, it's more so that my emotions have been. Ups followed by downs, followed by feeling like everything was upside down.
I'm married to a man that completely rocks my world. He completes me. He is my whole world. I love him more than I have ever loved any human being in my entire life. That being said, years ago, I screwed up. I made a monumental mistake that led to years of suffering for both of us. We were married, we loved each other, but he couldn't return the being "in love" part of that. For years, I literally thought he hated me. Thought that he only stayed because of our kids, which, sad as it seems, was partly true. This past August, he decided to let go of the hurt and the anger that he has been harboring for 11 years, and see me as the girl he fell in love with. THAT was an up! I've been patiently waiting on that moment for over a decade, convinced it may never happen; but being SO completely in love with him that I didn't care that he may leave in a few years. I cherished all the time I got with him. Selfish? maybe, but I never claimed not to be. The point is that my patience paid off in the end. Our marriage is stronger than ever. He looks at me and I see love. I SEE it when he says "I love you". I feel it every time he so much as brushes my shoulder. Seeing him happy and not in pain has made my life worthwhile.
Then there's a down. My weight. UGH. I know noone is in love with their body, noone is perfect, and models have airbrushing done. I know this. But I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. For years, I have tried to make myself feel better with food and let myself go. If my husband couldn't love me, how could I love me...yeah...a little backwards. I have to love me first. And I'm trying. But there is ALOT of me to love. So I'm changing. I want to love me. I want to at least like me. And I want there to be a whole lot less of me to love. Because noone can do this but me. And I can't do it for anyone else, I have to do it for me.
That's right, I'm getting off of this roller coaster and trying another ride. Maybe I'll try the carousel.