Wow. Its been a long time since I've blogged anything. But something has been nagging at me the past few days and well, writing to total strangers on the internet seems like a rational way to deal with it, right? No, just me? K, cool..
Relationships are hard, y'all. For years and years, our circle of friends was who J worked with and, well, we don't have that anymore. I have never really had a "circle" of friends since like the 8th grade. I've had friends, I'm not saying that...just not that core group of girlfriends that get together and have dinner or go shopping or go on girl's trips together. I was older than all the girls I went to college with, so while I had a "group" I kinda hung out with during class and in study groups, I was certainly not part of their social group.
I spent the majority of my adult life raising kids, managing a home, struggling my hind quarters off to hold a marriage together (we are happier than ever, btw) and in all of that, I didn't have time to make and maintain new friendships...if you are a Mom, I'm pretty sure you can relate! I did put efforts into friendships that I had for years...you know, the girls you were so close with in high school...and I did that. And then I learned that some of those girls grew up to be women that were NOT my friends. And the friends that I made as adults, well, some of those weren't very good friends either. That left me with a huge lack of trust. So, here I am. The 40 something with children that have done what children do, grow up and leave, a husband that doesn't really have a social circle anymore, and noone else.
Sure, sure...I have friends. One very close one and folks I chat with from time to time after I initiate it. And well, I'm lonely as hell! I went shopping today. Alone. I feel like I'm pretty much always alone.
I try to be a friend. I reach out. I am friendly. I try so hard...but here I am. And let me tell you, it is really no fun. I walked down the aisles and watched as women giggled with each other and help up items and asked for opinions...and I was so freaking jealous. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of a group. I pray so hard for God to just send me a friend.
Social media sure doesn't help. Seeing all the pics of girls night out or girls trips or baby showers or wedding showers or weddings or any other event that you totally get left out of hurts. It doesn't feel any better in your 40s than it did when I was a kid. And it leaves me feeling so damned inadequate. Like, what is it about me that is like a friend repellant?! I wish I had been blessed with a daughter. Boys are yours until they get married...then, they arent, and you can only hope that your dil will want you to be a part of her life and when she doesnt, then oh well...good knowing ya, kiddo!
It is sad. I learned how to be my own friend, and I can tell you, Im fabulous! Im smart and witty and would do anything for my friends...so, why am I my own best friend? Why am I not enough for others? When do I get to have a group?
Signed,
Lonely
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